10 Pieces of Tough Love Advice from Marriage Therapists

As some of you know, I am the author of two books on infidelity: Fool Me Once: Should I Take Back My Cheating Husband? and After a Good Man Cheats: How to Rebuild Trust & Intimacy With Your Wife. I was recently quoted in the Huffington Post as an expert on affairs in marriage.

Do you want to know what is the best advice marriage therapists have given to couples?

Sometimes it’s tough, sometimes it’s welcome, sometimes it’s hard to hear, but here goes:

Pay up every time your temper flares up. One therapist actually had a husband write checks to a despised cause, in increasing amounts, until he could bring his rage under control. It worked after the second check.

You have too many issues for couples therapy. It’s too difficult to handle couples therapy, if significant individual problems need to be straightened out first.

Lose an argument every once in awhile. Surrender the idea of being right. This doesn’t mean that you’re wrong; you’re just willing to validate your partner’s experience.

Stop talking to your affair partner or your marriage will pay the price. To reestablish trust in your relationship, the affair partner must almost always be removed from a couple’s life.

You might need to go your separate ways. If you can’t stand to be in the presence of your spouse, or who your spouse has become, it might be time to let it go.

Decide if your spouse is the person you want to be ambivalent about for the rest of your life. Some people are ambivalent about relationships and commitment, but love the person they’re with, and are willing to stick with it. You have to decide if that’s enough for you.

Admit it: You’re having an affair. Persistent denial will get you nowhere in therapy. Healing is best accomplished when both partners are completely honest.

You need to get a life outside your marriage. Your relationship will benefit, if both partners find a balance between time spent together, and time spent apart.

You can’t keep punishing your spouse for cheating. An ongoing cycle of punishment will not improve your relationship. This isn’t fair to either partner. Forgiveness is key.

You wasting a lot of money in therapy. The idea here is that you can fight for free at home.