There are certain dynamics and patterns that come up repeatedly in relationships. This year I will be reaching out to other experts in the field of relationship therapy and asking them for their perspective on some of these topics.
I am very pleased to have, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT as the first of my guest bloggers this year. Ms. Lancer is author of several books on Codependency including: Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. In this article she explains the Pursuer/Distancer dynamic.
“The Dance of Intimacy” By Darlene Lancer, M.A., MFT
The relationship duet is the dance of intimacy that all couples do. If one partner moves in, the other backs-up. Partners reverse roles as well, but always maintain a certain space between them. The unspoken agreement is that the Pursuer chase the Distancer forever, but never catch-up, and that the Distancer keep running, but never really get away. What is happening is a negotiation of the emotional space between them. We all have needs for both autonomy and intimacy – independence and dependency, yet we simultaneously all fear both being abandoned (acted by the Pursuer), and being too close (acted by the Distancer). Thus, we have the dilemma of intimacy: How can we be close enough to our partner to feel secure and safe, without feeling threatened by too much closeness? The less room there is to navigate this distance, more difficult the relationship. The greater sense of self a person has, the more flexible and comfortable s/he is with greater distance and greater closeness. There is less anxiety, and hence less demand on the relationship to accommodate a narrow comfort zone.
Find the full article here.
© Darlene Lancer Follow her on Facebook or Twitter: @DarleneLancer
Find the full article here.
