Usually, when couples are having a disagreement or argument the assumption is that they should solve the conflict. However, Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute says that most conflicts are unsolvable. Therefore, partners should seek out how to best manage their conflicts so that they don’t harm the relationship.

First, couples need to know how to manage the conflicts they are currently having. It is recommended that both partners avoid using “persuasion tactics” to win each other over.  Instead, they should each make their positions clear while the other partner listens.

To do this, first and foremost, both partners must be calm when talking to one another. Also, whoever is speaking should use what’s called “I” statements. Other suggestions include:

• Taking short breaks when emotions run high.
• Use “repair attempts” to ensure your partner feels understood.
• Be conscious of your non-verbal communication.

Next, couples should be aware of “attachment injuries.” These are triggers from previous events which can cause resentments. This is necessary because it is very important not to be negative when discussing triggers. Try to talk calmly to one another.

Also, you should genuinely apologize to your partner, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with their point of view.  Additionally, take responsibility and ask what your partner needs in order to heal from the trigger.

The third issue concerns gridlock and dialogue. Gridlock refers to being stuck in the conflict, while dialogue refers to an ongoing discussion. Couples can promote dialogue by taking turns talking and listening to one another. If listening, avoid judgements and be genuinely interested in what your partner has to say. Try to find compromises. Even small ones can be important.

Want to learn more about managing vs. solving conflicts?  You can read the full post by the Gottman Institute here: Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships:  The Blueprints for Success.