Maybe at some point, you thought your relationship was normal. But then once you started to suspect that something was off, you started to see red flags everywhere. Now, you can’t ignore it.

But what do you do when you are married and see signs of codependency? If you feel conflicted because of this, don’t worry, you aren’t alone. Marriage is hard. So is life. When you add another “hard” element, you may just want to throw in the towel.

Fortunately, even though there are toxic elements to your relationship, that doesn’t mean it has to stay like this. Here are three steps you can take to overcome codependency in your marriage.

1. Boundaries

You hear all the time how important boundaries are. Did you know that not having boundaries in a relationship is one of the beginning stages of a relationship becoming codependent?

Setting boundaries with someone, if you are a passive person, can make you feel really uncomfortable. However, they are a necessary component of any relationship to make it a healthy one. It can feel really hard to begin setting them – especially if you have been with a person for a long time.

Most people view boundaries as only saying, “No.” And while that is a boundary, it may be easier to see it as a way of telling yourself “Yes.”

2. Remember Your Individuality

Once you start dating someone and then eventually get married, it’s hard to remember a time when you weren’t part of a unit. Almost everything went from being, “I” to “We.”

Your relationship doesn’t define who you are. Sometimes, in a codependent relationship, you can lose sight of that. Lose sight of who you were once were apart from them.

Part of overcoming codependency is knowing that you are still “you,” outside of the relationship.

3. Talk To Them

We often put off the conversations we need to have. Why? Because they are hard and uncomfortable. We don’t always have the best words to describe what is going on in our heads. So instead of addressing it, we ignore it hoping it will go away.

Start the conversation with them. Say that you notice how imbalanced things have been. Maybe they have noticed it too. And even if they haven’t, that doesn’t mean you can’t open their eyes to the situation at hand.

4. Recognize Your Own Needs

Are you always putting them first? Does making them happy come at the cost of what you want, no matter what?

Marriages take work and they take compromise. There’s a give and take to make things stay balanced.

In a codependent marriage, one partner is always doing more taking than giving and vice versa. Sometimes, that is normal depending on what is going on in their own life. However, it could spell trouble if it stays out of balance for too long.

You may just feel like things will be easier if you continue to be the giver. However, all this does is keep the elements of a codependent relationship in your marriage.

5. Couples Counseling

Sometimes, marriages become stuck in a negative cycle. It doesn’t mean that it can’t be fixed if you can’t do it on your own. Working with a therapist can help you learn healthy communication skills to make your relationship healthy and get it in balance.

It might feel uncomfortable at first to bring someone else into your problems, but we can be a great unbiased viewpoint that can help you see things in a new light.

If you are having issues in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to me for couples therapy.