Do you find it difficult to stay on topic when you and your partner disagree and the conversation gets heated?
You’re not alone.
Because conflict and emotions may run high, the tendency to veer off the road to productive resolution can end up in verbal accidents that hurt feelings and damage your connection.
What can be done to keep arguments from becoming painful or destructive?
According to experts like David Ludden, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Georgia Gwinnett College and contributor to Psychology Today, regulating emotions is vital.
How do we regulate emotion?
For decades, most therapists suggested two ways of regulating emotion during conflict:
- Emotional distancing, or “stepping outside yourself.” This approach encourages noticing your emotions but only to observe them as outside yourself rather than fully experiencing them. This is also called dissociation. Emotional distancing is, in effect, minimizing your emotional experience.
- Suppression of expressive behavior, or hiding your real feelings from your partner. Often this is done out of politeness. You might keep your expressions blank or even affect a fake smile to reassure others that you are “fine.” Instead of minimizing the experience, you are minimizing emotional expression.
Either way, both strategies are stressful.
Interestingly, mindfulness has changed perspectives on emotional regulation.
This concept involves staying completely aware, present, and accepting of your experiences. Thus, you accept all emotions as they are, whether you like them or not.
Studies revealed that participants in integrative or mindfulness-based emotion regulation were more satisfied and less stressed by the way conflicts were resolved than those who tried emotional distancing or suppression.
Mindfulness and integrative emotion regulation indicate that fully experiencing emotions, even negative ones, is useful, informative, and important for personal and relational well-being. Acceptance leads to more calm and respect for ourselves and our relationships overall.
Want to learn more? Read the article here: How to Stay on Task During Conflicts with Your Mate
- Learn Action Steps You Can Take Today to Improve Your Marriage
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