Linda and Charlie Bloom, authors of Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love suggest that when you’re fighting, you:
See each other as opponents; your intention is to win.
Focus on differences.
Engage in passive-aggressive communication and behavior.
See your differences as right or wrong.
Focus on being understood.
Intend to be heard; your intention is to protect, repress, and conceal.
When you engage in conscious combat, however, you:
See each other as challengers; your intention is for both of you to be happy about the outcome.
Focus on similarities.
Are direct, open, and honest in communication.
See differences without judging.
Focus on the others side.
Intend to listen, connect, and reveal.
Many couples will do almost anything to avoid a fight. When you avoid talking about a problem or difference, or you pretend it doesn’t exist, it can lead to feelings of resentment and neglect. These feelings will build over time until you explode and end up in a fight. While fighting, you are more likely to say and do things you regret later, and your fight will accomplish little or nothing.
However, when you apply the principles of conscious combat, you can deal with issues as they come up. This is not easy, however — we’re trained to fight. We’ve seen our parents do it and we’ve done it, maybe our whole lives. These habits are not easy to break; letting your emotional defenses down can be scary. Our instinct is to protect ourselves, but as you and your partner work on communicating differently, it will get easier and the rewards are worth it. When you and your partner handle issues better, it’s easier to talk about them. The more you talk about them, the more you will forge stronger bonds. You will find a peace and love that maybe you’ve never known before. You will be able to talk about needs, wants, desires, problems, goals and dreams, confident that your partner will support you and work with you in all things. It will require faith, love, understanding, courage, determination, and practice, but you can do it.
Read the full article here: Do You Engage In Conscious Combat Or Are You Just Fighting Linda Bloom LCSW And Charlie Bloom MSW
