No one wants to be in a toxic relationship. We look for warning signs. We examine our partner’s behavior and character traits, looking for problems.
We wonder: is this trait narcissism? Is that response too controlling? Does that look or tone indicate some sort of budding emotional problem?
Jennice Vilhauer, Ph.D., the Director of Emory University’s Adult Outpatient Psychotherapy Program in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science in the School of Medicine, wrote that sometimes people aren’t really toxic…they’re just ”clueless” about developing closeness and trust.
As she put it, many difficult partners are just fumbling around after the initial infatuation phase of their relationship, uneducated and incapable of keeping love good and going strong.
Vilhauer writes that most people default to the relationship lessons we learned early in life. So, a problematic upbringing often gets passed along. What your partner might need is relationship training not to be written off as toxic.
How can you tell if your partner needs to be shown the door or shown a better relationship path?
Vilhauer advocates several strategies:
- Don’t diagnosis your relationship via the internet. Blogs and articles are FYI only. The author doesn’t know you, your partner, or the nuances of your lives and relationship. It’s too easy to jump to conclusions and jeopardize your own health and safety. Your relationship is too important a connection to not seek out guidance from a therapist in person.
- Do communicate clearly with your partner about the problem. Closeness comes through vulnerability and honesty, Vilhauer reminds couples. Nothing in your mind or heart is ”obvious” to your partner.
Stay focused on sharing your own feeling, not blaming or accusing.be solution-oriented and try to keep your relationship the priority. - Discern whether your partner is willing to work on your connection. Vilhauer advises that you pay attention to their response to your efforts to communicate: Do they listen and engage? Or are they “defensive, dismissive, and/or patronizing?” Willingness to make changes indicates that they are less toxic and more in need of healthy guidance.
- Do your own work. A relationship implies mutual responsibility. Two healthy, whole individuals create a happy union. Take care of yourself not just the relationship. Vilhauer believes then you’ll be able to see each other clearly.
Want to know more? Read the article here: Is Your Partner Toxic or Just Clueless?
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