Does it feel like the same unhappy pattern is on repeat in your romantic life?

Do you often feel unheard, unseen, and trapped in unproductive, “going nowhere” connections?

You’re not alone and you don’t have to go on this way.

The truth is you may be caught in a relationship pattern of insecure attachment. In her book, Toxic Love, Jill P. Weber, Ph.D., explores this common relationship dynamic. She finds that, generally, insecure love results from a poor connection with a caregiver or trauma in adult relationships. Insecure love also frequently manifests in the following four ways:

4 Signs Your Love is Insecure

1. Self-soothing is a Problem 

Are you often anxious, worried, upset, or even panicked when it comes to your partner? Do they constantly have to deal with your texts, calls, interrogation, and suspicion? When troubling situations (real or imagined) repeatedly interfere with your ability to interact and communicate well with your partner, your self-soothing skills likely need some tweaking.

Dr. Weber advocates mindfulness techniques, journaling, social support, and exercise to help make yourself feel better and more in control of your emotions.

2. You’re Always Breaking Up and Making Up

Is your relationship a rollercoaster? Do you live for the high points only to find that the low points are always immediately behind them? Do you rarely enjoy time to coast and enjoy the ride?

Breaking up feels like an answer to your relationship lows but it is just a temporary solution for the unresolved anxiety you feel about being unloved or abandoned. Working to become a better communicator and honestly exploring your relationship challenges is a better course of action.

3. You Don’t Feel Seen, Heard, or Understood 

You want to be known. But your relationship partners never seem to take a real interest in you. Why?

It may be that you have real difficulty being your authentic self with your partner, for better or for worse. Work on openly sharing your needs, feelings, and struggles. Then, be willing to walk away if you feel disrespected, diminished, or disregarded by their response. You have a right to feel safe and cared for.

4. You Live Your Love Life in Limbo

Dr. Weber describes this as a sort of “in-between” relationship status. Do you crave long-term commitment, reliability, and stability but choose partners who ensure insecurity. You never know whether the person really cares or really wants you. You tolerate inconsideration and a reluctance to define their connection to you.

It’s okay to work towards a relationship that meets your need for a mutually satisfying future. If you to want to know more about your attachment style and how it may be impacting your chances for a secure relationship read more here: 4 Signs of insecure Love