Why did you choose your current romantic relationship? Are there specific aims you hope to achieve? Have you ever really considered whether you continue your relationship due to internal motivation or because you feel pressured to do so?
Dr. Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D., a professional writer/blogger for Psychology Today, asks readers to explore such questions. He asserts that it is very important to examine our romantic choices for the sake of our own wellbeing and that of our partners as well. Self-determined decisions in relationships, he maintains, are best for all involved.
So, what exactly are self-determined decisions? And why do they matter so much when we’re in love? Let’s see:
What is Self-Determination?
According to research, the degree to which we are self-determined is related to the following:
- Autonomy: Are you free to base decisions and behave on your own values?
- Competence: Is your decision making and behavior useful and productive?
- Relatedness: Do you feel a sense of intimacy, connectedness and belonging with those involved?
Dr. Nicholson notes that when these three factors are in play we are not being controlled, pressured or forced by inner expectations or outside factors to make certain choices.
Self-Determination in Relationships
Why is self-determination key in romance? Clearly, relationship research indicates that self-determination is linked to these relationship dynamics:
Self-determination Supports Personal Attachment & Well-Being
Research in the early 2000s determined that those who were securely attached in their relationship demonstrated a higher degree of self-determination and personal well-being. It appears that autonomy and freedom from control by a partner fosters a desire to be closer not avoidant, anxious or insecure.
Self-determination Affects Romantic Behavior & Well-Being
Further research in the mid-2000s revealed, too, that self-determination is linked to certain relationship behaviors that foster a healthier connection. Self-determination, as it pertained to intimacy, communication and sharing, social support, stress support, and every day kindness, promote overall relationship well-being. Basically, we feel free to choose how to behave with our partners, our relationships generally go well.
Self-determination Fosters Satisfaction
With in the last five years, research on relationships indicates that self-determination and commitment often go hand in hand. After all, a relationship steeped in freedom of choice, respect for individual values and overall wellbeing lends itself to deeper investment and a sense that other alternatives might not be worth the risk.
How to Boost Self-Determination in Your Relationship
Based on this research, Dr. Nicholson shares ideas for boosting the level of self-determination in our own romantic relationships. The following strategies can support secure attachment, higher motivation to be caring and intimate, and deeper commitment:
1) Create Connection and Trust: Self-determination ( autonomy, competence, and relatedness) can occur best through a warm connection built on genuine, empathetic communication. Share your thoughts and feelings meanigfully. Build trust and actively appreciate each other openly.
2) Recognize Personal and Rewarding Motivations: Remember that pressure and punishment will not improve self-determination. Romantic relationships respond to reward. Identify and share what you both feel is rewarding. Talk about which personal motivations encourage positive relationship behaviors for you. And try to view your connection as special.
These ideas can boost the sense of willing participation and free choice regarding the support of each other and the relationship.
3) Focus on Freely-Chosen Commitments: Aside from daily relationship behavior, be sure more consequential commitments are self-determined as well. Dr. Nicholson reminds us that sexual choices, monogamy, marriage, and the like, are important decisions that must be freely chosen for the well-being of both partners and ongoing relationship positivity.
Finally, these are just a few ideas for creating a balanced, mutually satisfying relationship.
Together, you can build and enjoy a long, full life together. You might find a couples therapy can help you achieve results even faster. If you want more about self-determination as it pertains to your relationship read more here: Why Self-Determination in Loving Relationships Is Important.
