By Samantha Vincenty Aug 23, 2019
I spoke with Samantha Vincenty of Oprah.com on my thoughts on why certain people cheat. I also told her that unfortunately there is no way to “affair proof” your relationship. There are things you can do to make it less vulnerable though. Here is her article.
When a boyfriend cheated on me with a mutual “friend” years ago, I was sad, disappointed and furious with them both. It threw me into a tailspin of toxic thoughts, from pointless comparisons (Does he find her more attractive?) to loss of faith in our relationship (When did he fall out of love with me?!). But one
question rose above the din, and looped like a drumbeat in my head in the weeks that followed: Why did he do it? Knowing the answer couldn’t turn back the clock and make him un-cheat on me, but I did hope it would help give clarity to a situation I otherwise had no control over.
As anyone who’s ever been cheated on knows, learning that your spouse or significant other has strayed outside your relationship is a uniquely painful experience. In the midst of the teary talks and arguments that follow your discovery of the betrayal, you might never hear an actual reason (or, as in the case of my then-boyfriend, they don’t fully know the answer themselves). And you might not even see the signs. Here are eight reasons why people cheat, according to experts.
They have a self esteem problem, and they’re seeking validation.
“Sex is not the primary reason people cheat,” says Paul Hokemeyer, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Fragile Power: Why Having Everything Is Never Enough. “The primary reason is that there’s a deficiency in their life and specifically, in their ego. They feel incomplete.”
According to Hokemeyer, the thrill of an indiscretion and the work it takes to keep it a secret can be as exhilarating as the person they’ve cheated on you with.
“This expenditure of energy is a distraction from the hole they feel in their soul. The complex and exhausting process of managing an affair enables them to soothe an ache through an elixir of power, sexual validation, and endogenous opioids like dopamine and oxytocin, which our body produces when we connect romantically and sexually with another human being,” he continues. “It also creates a huge distraction that keeps them from looking at the real problem and taking responsibility for it.”
They’re afraid.
Why would someone who’s in love with their spouse or significant other cheat? As with so many poor decisions, the choice is often fear-based. Hokemeyer says they might be afraid that “they’re not worthy of love, that they’re losing their sex appeal, or they’re being discounted or outright dismissed by others. In short, they feel unseen and unable to find enough validation in their relationship.”
“Whatever their fears are, the job of “fixing” it is up to them (and ideally a therapist), and doesn’t fall to you to manage—especially if it isn’t something the two of you have discussed before.
Or they want to end things, but sabotage the relationship instead.
Decimating as breakups can be, it isn’t “nicer” to stay with someone when you’re unhappy; it’s dishonest. You probably know that sabotaging a relationship in order to avoid initiating an awkward or painful breakup is even less nice. Oh, if only everybody knew this.
“Often this is type of person who doesn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ and break up and instead cheats, allowing their partner to find out in hopes the other person will do the breaking up,” says Caroline Madden, Phd, a marriage therapist specializing in infidelity issues and author of Blindsided By His Betrayal. “See also, ‘Men who cheat at their bachelor party and then confess'”
Hokemeyer says the thought of leaving a relationship can drive some people to much worse behavior (there’s that fear, again). “Even if we know, deep in our hearts, that our current relationship is wrong, or even abusive, our neurophysiology compels us to play it safe and avoid interpersonal conflict,” he says “To manage this terror people act out sideways to destroy a relationship. One of the most destructive is to have an affair.”
They feel neglected by their partner, sexually and/or emotionally.
In Madden’s experience with clients, women tell her that they acted on the temptation of infidelity because they felt “their husband doesn’t pursue them enough.” These women, she says, yearn for small tokens of appreciation—such as flowers, or compliments on how nice they look—and resent their spouses for being so withholding (leading them to, as Hokemeyer put it, feel unseen).
Mostly, Madden treats married couples who are grappling with the husband’s infidelity. And those husbands often point to a largely sexless marriage as their motivation. As she puts it from their perspective, “What does a man do when his wife has unilaterally shut down sex in their relationship? Or sex is so infrequent that it’s full of anxiety so it isn’t enjoyable or connecting? Does he break up the family, so that he can have his adult needs met?”
Even when these husbands have broached their frustration, “frankly, she counts on him being a good family man who would never cheat. She takes him for granted. Then someone at work smiles at him. Laughs at his jokes. Says that his wife must be lucky to have him…” The bottom line? Never feeling appreciated may, in some cases, lead to cheating, Madden says.
They truly didn’t think the consequences through.
While this may be more likely in a shorter-term relationship than in a long-term partnership such as a marriage, giving into a fling on a business trip or a mutual attraction with a friend might feel thrilling in the moment. The fallout doesn’t feel real, until it is.
“Often people get caught up in the fun of an affair,” Madden explains. “What they aren’t prepared for is the devastation it causes. That their strong partner will be in the fetal position crying on the floor. They simply aren’t prepared for the pain that they could cause another individual.”
They craved variety, and acted on it.
Developing attractions outside of your relationship and having sexual fantasies are both perfectly normal. It’s when one decides to act on an outside attraction, that the trouble begins.
“We all have an innate sexuality, and in a committed relationship we agree to only express that sexuality within the relationship,” Madden says. “Sometimes we are looking to that other side of ourselves. Different people bring out different aspects of our personality.”
They met someone else.
Of all the causes of infidelity, this might be the most crushing (and the most straightforward). As brutal as it is, a person leaving their spouse or significant other for someone new is far from unheard of: Part of America’s endless fascination with the old Jen-Brad-Angelina story is the underlying idea that it could potentially happen to anyone. That said, no one can “steal” anyone who doesn’t want to be stolen, whether they’re in a casual relationship or an unhappy marriage.
So how do you prevent cheating in a relationship?
The short answer is, you can’t. But according to Hokemeyer, “the best way to avoid being in a relationship with a person who cheats is to look for the warning signs before you get into a relationship with them.” Rule one? Don’t engage with narcissists, he says. Check out a few tell-tale signs you’re dealing with a narcissist here.
Madden says fortifying marriages with a healthy sex life, meaning one that’s mutually satisfying for both of you, can only help. “There isn’t anything that anyone can do to ‘affair-proof’ a relationship, and more than you can burglar-proof your house,” she says. “But having regular connecting sex with your partner is a good first line of defense.” She agrees, though, that this advice doesn’t apply to a cheater with a narcissistic disorder or sexual compulsion.
If you’ve learned your partner’s been unfaithful—and they want to try and work through it—only you can decide whether to stay or go. A gut check, a clear-eyed inventory of your relationship’s overall health, and a lot of communication with your spouse or significant other are positive baby steps forward. An objective professional can also be a huge help, whether you want to stay or not.
“I always encourage clients to spend some time processing through an infidelity before cutting off a relationship,” says Hokemeyer. “If nothing else, it will give them insights into their own motivations and help them avoid relational betrayal in the future. But make it a limited investment in time. In 90 days of intensive therapy you can get real clarity on what you’re dealing with and how best to proceed.”
For the full article: https://www.oprahmag.com/life/relationships-love/a28788613/why-do-people-cheat/
