Author’s of the new book, That Which Doesn’t Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places, Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are well-known relationship experts who have much to share about building a loving and intimate relationship. Married for more than four decades, they recently shared their thoughts about the impact of fear on a partner’s ability to love each other well.
While most of us want long-term love, many of us find it hard to grasp. And once we have it? Well, then it seems hard to find the satisfaction we long for.
Why? The Blooms point to “fears associated with loving.” And as with anything, when fear is a factor, fulfillment and joy decline.
What drives such an overwhelming fear of loving?
The Blooms believe the primary category of dread is the fear of being our heartbroken. That fear then spawns a host of related worries such as the fear of
- rejection
- abandonment
- exploitation
- betrayal
- looking foolish
- feeling exposed
- being dependent
- being taken advantage of
Emotional wounds from childhood and beyond are often the roots of such fears. Some people have more wounds than others. A lack of early attachment via neglect or abuse can certainly create fear. Feeling undervalued and let down by previous relationships fuels fear in current ones.
Is there hope for recovery?
The Blooms say “yes!” The relationships we are in now needn’t be affected by fear if we can tap into their restorative power. They believe tapping into care and tenderness intentionally can heal and clear out such inner obstacles to love.
What are the keys to becoming a deeply loving partner?
- courage
- truth and self-awareness regarding the state of your broken heart,
- sharing with your partner openly and honestly
What is the result of such effort?
We better understand other’s pain and become ore compassionately mature. Thus, we become responsive and conscious, less superficial, and appreciative of our partner’s true nature.
Fear, then, does not drive whether we love or run from love. Our pasts become a source of strength as we acknowledge and share them. Partners see that they are both survivors brought together. Both are wiser and capable of working through differences from a perspective of understanding and mutual admiration and respect.
In other words, fear of love has the potential to transform and become the force that makes us stronger. Are you ready to feel less anxious and embarrassed? Couples therapy can help move you from heartbroken fear to hear-healed empathy and fearless lover.
Read more here: Are You Afraid to Love?
