Handling Conflict in Relationships: Tips for Discussing Heated Topics
All couples have disagreements. Sometimes your needs clash with your partner's needs. At other times, you might misunderstand each other or unintentionally bring up strong emotions from the past. Many people worry that having a fight means their relationship is in trouble. But guess what? Disagreements are a normal part of any healthy relationship. It's completely natural for two people to have different needs and perspectives, and sometimes that leads to conflict. The important thing is not the fact that you're fighting, but how you handle those disagreements. Based on the research of Dr. John Gottman, here are some tips for discussing potentially heated topics.
1. Remember, You Are on the Same Team
Focus on solving the problem rather than venting anger or trying to win. It’s simple: either both of you win, or both of you lose. If you “win” and your partner “loses,” they may feel hurt and unlovable. This doesn’t build trust and intimacy; it leads to a cycle of finding faults. Next time, you might end up being the “loser.”
2. Timing Matters
Don’t bring up an issue at a bad time (e.g., as your partner is leaving for work, ten minutes before bed, or during a stressful day at work). If you keep bringing things up at bad times, ask yourself, “Why am I setting us up for failure?” Then choose a better time to talk.
3. Use a Gentle Approach
Sometimes it’s not what you say, but how you say it. If you start off harshly and accusatory, the conversation will likely stay negative. But if you start with a gentle, positive tone, the discussion will likely end on a good note. Instead of saying, “You are never at home!” try, “I’ve been missing you lately and feeling a bit lonely.”
4. No Talk of Breaking Up or Divorce
Fighting isn’t a predictor of divorce, but talking about divorce is. In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave is manipulative and hurtful. The first few times you do this, you might scare your partner into thinking they’ll be abandoned. Eventually, though, they might start wondering what life would be like without you. This is toxic because it makes them start to check out of the relationship for self-preservation.
5. Attack the Issue, Not the Person
Avoid ridiculing and insults. These tactics break down communication and destroy trust. Once you put your partner on the defensive, they won’t hear anything you say, no matter how right you might be. They’ll be too busy thinking about how to defend themselves instead of listening to you.
6. Give Your Partner the Benefit of the Doubt
Assume that your partner isn’t purposely doing something to frustrate, undermine, or control you. Think, “My partner loves me. They see things differently than I do. Why don’t I ask how they saw the situation?”